Amazing Combination Potential, The Series. Part 2. Lambscaping with Giraffes

I don’t watch landscapers while they do their job. It’s very predictable and there isn’t anything exciting going on. Landscapers have shears for cutting branches, and occasionally pull out a ladder if they have some tall trees to tame, and a leaf blower to regulate those unruly leaves. I always thought it would be cool if some landscaper had machetes, and put on an amazing show where he flipped through the yard and threw knives through plants.

Where the Red Fern doesn't grow.

It would almost be just like when you go to eat at a teppanyaki restaurant, and the chef is doing acrobatic feats with your food and knives. It would just be a knife show just in your backyard instead. Sometimes they will yell at an unruly bush or tree like a boss, and teach them some respect. Then they start up a lawnmower or weed wacker, maybe another round with the leaf blower, bag their trimmings, put them in the truck and make a run to a landfill. And that’s all it is.

Well, what if you could make landscaping a spectator event? I totally thought of this while I was watching these landscapers go to town on an old, decrepid tree that had died years ago and grown around a brick fence. Also, I saw how hard they were working, and felt bad while I stood there, eating my cocoa pebbles in my pajamas.

Anyways, back to the subject…If I was a landscaper, I would want to keep my expenses down, so the less employees, the better. Also, equipment wears down, and buying all those bags and taking the trucks to the landfill adds up. Plus the cost of gas. And nowadays, everyone wants to reduce their carbon footprint…um…right? I know I do! So, what you really need are some sheep!

Baaaa'd ass!

They eat greenery, produce fresh fertilizer, are not as loud as a leaf blower or lawn mower. You do not have to bag up sheep, or blow them around. And the best part? You can promote your “lambscaping” business as the “sheep” alternative! Don’t risk “herding” yourself in your yard! The others “wool” not save you as much as we will. And of course, this naturally leads to owning giraffes…

Whasup?

When “giraffe”ter those unsightly branches and limbs, but can’t quite reach, just give us a call! Giraffes make great walking billboards, and I know I would want to advertise on one! Plus, your giraffe doubles as a ladder!

When everything’s all done, and you’re good to go, and your new crew doubles as a petting zoo for the neighborhood.

Ridiculously cute

So let’s recap:
1. Little to no trimmings and leaves to bag and carry out
2. Fresh fertilizer to bring out the best in the plants
3. Revenue from advertising sold on your pet giraffe
4. Low carbon footprint which is very thoughtful of you
5. Petting zoo funds after each job while you inspect the place
6. Lambscaping clients pay for the services as well

Gideeup!

Amazing Combination Potential, The Series. Part 1. Sumo’s and the NHL

There are many things in life that would go very well together, but are just not combined at this time…yet. Here is one of my visions for the near future…

When was the last time you watched a Hockey game? I was watching these two teams go at it the other day, and every time one team took the puck to the other teams’ goal, the goalie was ready, COVERED from head to toe in pads. Even with all that padding on, the goalie’s total size only covers a certain amount of the total goal size. And that got me thinking…what if…and then it hit me. The NHL (National Hockey League) should be actively looking to employ sumo wrestlers to play as goalies. They are very wide, and can actually move surprisingly fast. Hockey goals are wide, just like Sumo Wrestlers! Sumo Wrestlers are used to fighting on a daily basis, just like hockey players. I bet you are smiling now in anticipation of how huge this could be, just like a Sumo Wrestler…and his drawers! I believe that this idea is going to be bigger then a Sumo’s bed! Imagine this large wall of a person, just squatting in a hockey goal! Over 75% of the job is already done! Sumo’s are also incredibly flexible and can do the splits, just like hockey players!

Sumo practices how to block a hockey puck.

Sumo's warming up for a hockey game

Amazing! Now he just has to utilize his appendages to block oncoming pucks! Sumo wrestlers have one goal when they get in the ring with another Sumo, and that is to get the other out by any means. This is even easier then their past jobs! The puck is already out. The coach would just instruct them to not let the hockey puck into their new home.

Regular, puny little hockey goalie.

You could totally train him by launching “ding dongs”, those delicous hostess treats that are oh so conveniently shaped like hockey pucks! He would pluck those out of the sky with his amazingly homed skills.

And in case you forgot, remember what E Honda could do to a car or a pile of bricks in Street Fighter? Imagine a hockey puck…

Proper Cell Phone Etiquette

I just checked the calendar, and what do you know! It IS 2011! Cell phones are a very common technology that many utilize on a daily basis. Unfortunately, people have still not figured out proper cell phone etiquette, so allow me to share some simple insights and advice that I have collected over the years. Read all of these to be sure you are not practicing inappropriate etiquette. That’s the stuff!

1. Crumple paper, play the drums, eat cornchips and stand in the wind on your own time. Do not call me to share the noise of these activities, like in points 2 and 3 mentioned below. Eat corn nuts on your own time! I don’t come to your work and stand next to your ear and chew on ice cubes while you’re trying to do work. I dont crumple an entire newspaper right behind you while you’re trying to read a book in the park on your day off.

2. Yes, I can hear you peeing. You are not a Pee Ninja. I recommend you go back to the Ninja Peeing School. This class is held on public golf courses on a regular basis. Consult with your regular golf players to schedule private lessons.

3. Yes, I can hear that your are probably pooing while talking on the phone. You are not a master in the “crouching poo form”. I highly recommend you go back to your teacher for further instruction. Females have this form down cold, and are afraid to so much as eek out a cough, yet alone make a single noise in a public restroom, and are probably your best source to learn this dark art.

4. If you are, or must take a call while doing your 1′s and 2′s, find and fully utilize the mute button. And no, that echo I hear is not a long hallway, or in a bank, or your kitchen and you’re probably not taking a tour of “Colossal Cave” in Tucson, Az or any other cavernous destination. You are not fooling anyone, you sick, sick monkey.

5. Do not call someone to have a conversation, and then one minute later tell someone that you have to go into (fill in the blank) to go do (fill in the blank). If you wanted to tell me you were going to “go to the bank” to “speak with a banker for an hour about your mortgage”, you can just text me. In fact, you can just tell me that later when you call. No, actually, I really don’t care to know that…probably ever. Why did you even call me if you knew this ahead of time? If you do either, you will get bonus loser points on my wall chart I keep, with star stickers next to your name, just like you had in elementary school. I have put your name on this chart, and am keeping track if you have ever done this.

6. If you walk into a public bathroom, and are talking on the phone, it’s on. I will abuse you until you look at me in horror, or just hang up. If you are scary looking, I will probably just ignore you, because I don’t want to get beat up. But still, I hope you pick up some very disturbing sounds in here!

7. Dude, there is a feature called vibrate. And if you have an obnoxious ring tone, on volume setting 1,367, I will immediately attack you with a rolled up newspaper or magazine just like I would a squirrel that was trying to eat my lunch. I will immediately start talking at a volume that is appropriate for the front row of a KISS concert to my friend, all while staring at you in a very uncomfortable manner without blinking, like we are having a staring contest. Also, if your ring tone is a new KE$HA song, I will break your phone and eat your lunch for you.

8. If you are sitting next to me in a movie, and I know you, I will purposely wait until the movie starts, and when I go to the bathroom, I will call you to make sure your phone is on vibrate. I will usually try to do this even before I have to go to the bathroom, and probably right when the movie starts, just to embarrass you. If you have seen a movie with me, you know this is true.

9. Speaker phone in public is not appropriate. What is wrong with you! Yeah, that’s a cell phone. Everyone owns one. Unless your phone is made of pure gold, or you have a live PUMA on a leash, attached to your phone, I don’t care why you are on speaker. If you do have a phone made of gold, or have a live PUMA attached to your phone, just tell me.

Where'd you get the Puma?

I will be like “cool dude”, and we can go hang out later and have some lunch at Chili’s, and you can tell me why you have a phone made out of gold, or where you got the live PUMA. Or, unless you are a CEO of an important company, and all of your employees are in the room, and I’m a guest on your yacht, this is incorrect behavior. Do you think I’m impressed that you own a cell phone? That is really cool that you own a live Puma though, and you walk it around town like a boss. Does it have a kitty litter box? Does it just play on your yard? Has it ever eaten a neighbor, and when you found out, were you like “bad kitty”, and then sprayed it with a water bottle? Do you use a water bottle, or just a super soaker instead? Want to come to my bbq next week?

10. It is your responsibility to inform me that others are in the room, or in your car, or within earshot of your phone. If you answer your phone, and put me on speaker, or I am on Bluetooth, and broadcasting in your fancy car’s stereo system, this is your fault. Or you’re showing off, and deserve the fallout. If I ask you how your contagious skin rash is doing, or how your court date went, or am following up to how your date went with Sally Sue, and you are out with Layce Underalls, and you did not inform me, you assume all responsibility and fall out for not telling me

Conspiracy “time”…

Did the manufacturers of microwaves get together, and decide to ban all microwaves from having a timer function that could be set longer then 99 minutes and 99 seconds? Yeah, you read that right. You CAN set your microwave timer for 99 seconds, but not a second over 99:99. I guess this would keep you from using your microwave as an alarm clock, which their friends across the street probably manufacture as well.

Squirrels in the call center, again! Grab your staplers!

If companies put you on hold, that’s cool and all, but they need to change their  recordings from the standard…”We are experiencing a higher then normal call volume. Please, continue to hold on the line, and we will answer in the order in which your call was received.”

Do they really need to tell you that they will answer the calls in the order in which they are received? That made me think:

1. Do some companies just take calls at random, and patch them through to associates right away?
2. I didn’t know most people call you at 1am on a Thursday morning
3. Do they ever decide to answer calls, NOT in the order they are received

If I owned a company that had a call center, I would put totally random outgoing messages. Imagine if the next time you called your favorite company,  they put you on hold, and you heard:

Save yourself!

Thank you for calling. At this time, our manager Randy left the back door open, and squirrels got into the call center AGAIN. One bit our assistant manager, Jeremy, on the neck, and he had to go to the hospital. The rest of us are hiding in our manager’s office, defending our selves with staplers, letter openers and seat cushions. We are expecting delays of up to three hours. You would be a lot happier if you just called back at between 4am to 6am, when we DO NOT EXPERIENCE a high call volume. In fact, at this time, we’re just hanging out, eating snacks, playing sugar packet football and building things out of paperclips…

Stay healthy! Avoid eating “healthy” vegetables!

I‎’m glad I don’t eat healthy vegetables all the time, because if I did, I might be at a greater risk of catching all these scary, vegetable germs! Think about all the news headlines this year about people getting sick from eating raw vegetables! I’ve dodged a lot of bullets lately, and I’ve never heard of the “donut” virus. Gideeup!

Donut? No Dough, no nuts…

Why is the donut called a donut? There is no dough, and hopefully no one has been putting nuts in there.  It would be like me calling your underwear “funbags”. Donut doesn’t make sense. Underwear do, because your wearing them, under “there”. We need a new name, such as Cake Wheel, Sugar Hoop or Ohhhh Cakes!

Same goes with French Fries. I would rather hear them called Potato Ski’s, or potato missiles. Serve them with tomato blood!How much cooler does that sound to order french fries this way: “I’ll take my missiles with blood”.